Many wonderful parents have children that are defiant or have emotional and behavioral problems. The first step is to stop blaming yourself. The second step is to commit to a goal to help your child through family and individual counseling with someone who works with children, teens and families daily. This is essential. Medication will not change your teens thoughts .

There most likely are a variety of components that are contributing to your child’s emotional and behavioral issues. Through an assessment from birth to present the family and child and practitioner can find the pieces that are not working and create a treatment plan to create balance, health, and success.

I see many teens and children that have poor sleep, poor diets, poor self esteem, negative unhealthy thoughts, anxiety, depression, impulsivity, poor socials skills, poor mood regulation, poor stress management skills, depression and much more. Each area must be addressed to help your child move in a positive direction.

Your child or teen may display a variety of unhealthy behaviors. There are many areas that can contribute to this behavior: mood, thoughts, self esteem, grief, loss, family issues, peers, performance, school, and much more. It is important to look at all aspects of your child’s life before you label them with a “disorder” this can cause a lot of damage for life.

All children have some behavior issues and some are more serious than others. I have worked with thousands of children that have academic issues, ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, Aggression, substance abuse, Social issues, poor Self esteem, family issues, communication issues, motivation issues, divorced children, past trauma, defiant disorders, conduct disorders and much more.I have worked with children and families in: Phoenix, Scottsdale, Chandler, Glendale, Peoria, Buckeye, Goodyear, Mesa, Ahwatukee, Arcadia, Biltmore, Tempe and in most of the schools in the valley in the past. I have worked with private school kids and teens in juvenile detention. I have worked in the public schools as well.

My approach is not to stigmatize your child and hand him a disorder it is quite the opposite. I find all the strengths and positive qualities your child or teen has and use that as a foundation for rapport and connection with your child and the family. Labeling your child will only create a reason why behavior is the way it is and the reality is that you child can change his behavior as well as each parent can modify their behavior to obtain desired success and results.

I work with both the parent and the child and the research and my experience shows this will create the greatest potential for change. The parents are the eyes and ears of the child and know their child the best. Weekly feedback from each parents is vital in creating a treatment plan for change and is part of what Lifeworks Arizona Child and Family counseling uses in one component for change.

My approach is not a cookie cutter approach. Depending on your child or Teen I use a wide array of evidence based tools that work as well as sports, games, art,  play, and talk  to create change. My goal is to create balance in your child’s life. I look at his sleep patterns, diet, unhealthy habits, routine, time management, communication skills, boundaries, parenting, academics, and all of his or her behaviors that are working and this that are not working. Through this process I create a treatment plan to eliminate undesirable behaviors . At the same time I am teaching your child skills to manage : mood, stress, anger, anxiety, depression, develop social skills, build self esteem. It is the combination of all the components that creates change for your child or teenager.

Think of a car you drive where one tire is low in air pressure . Depending on how low it is it can impact the whole car and it’s alignment. Our children can be thought of in the same way: low air pressure, delay in oil change, and the car starts having many problems, it might take awhile however eventually these problems will arise in your child in the form of: disrespect, anger, aggression, poor grades, poor habits anymore.

Oppositional defiant children possess a strong need to control and to gain power. Most defiant teenagers and children deny responsibility for their misbehaviors and do not see how their behavior impacted the family or other individuals.

The oppositional and defiant child blossom in negativity and family conflicts. These children appear to thrive on anger and aggression and want to win at all costs in arguments. Oppositional defiance is more common in homes with too much structure and also in homes where there is very little structure. Finding a balance in parenting is vital for success with the defiant and oppositional child or teen. Parenting by both parents that is on the same page is important in balancing out the oppositional defiant child and adolescent. A firm and loving environment is important. Parent’s must use their authority as parents and not give into your child’s demands out of fear or to keep your child in your good graces. Your child is not your friend they must be treated as children.

The oppositional child will push your buttons and emotions and in his or her mind once this has happened he or she feels they have now taken over your position of authority.

A few solutions to address your defiant child: walk away from conflict, change the subject of the argument, avoid defending yourself allow your actions to be consistent with your rules and words. If the above does not work let your child know that regardless and nevertheless ; this is how it is going to be in a calm unemotional manner. This will de escalate things and not draw you in to a power struggle.

Finding a behavior plan that works that combines individual and family therapy is vital for your child’s success and mental health as well as the family’s stress.

Children that do not honor their parents are on the rise . Children and teens feel it is ok to call parent’s name, scream at them, be verbally abusive and emotionally abusive. Many children and teens are running the house and parents are allowing themselves to be victimized by their children. It is not healthy for the child and it is not healthy for the parents. Family values and respecting mom and Dad must be paramount! By focusing more on achieving an ‘A’ you are teaching your child that how you treat me and how you talk to me is not important in life. When parents negotiate disrespectful behavior without firm boundaries and without following through with a consequence daily this lack of action means something to the individual child that they are saying basically you can continue walking all over me because I am not going to set a boundary or a consequence with this disrespectful behavior. Consistency daily is vital. Furthermore a parent is building a foundation for a Narcissistic, solipsistic, entitled, selfish , child and future adult. Children that do not treat others with respect are not treating themselves with respect as well. No child that abuses their parent’s verbally feels good about their emotional well being.

I have seen children and teenagers(6-18) in my office with both parents present call them the F…. word, throw phones at them , degrade them, and verbally abuse, and scream at them on a regular basis. This is so not ok and so unhealthy!!!!

Children that act this way will continue this behavior at school and with peers and in a corporate setting with their employer. Entitled and Narcissistic children become adults with the same behaviors. These children will treat their wives in a regarding manner and will not respect them as well.

Parents have great intentions. They want their children to excel in academics and sports and extracurricular activities however family must come first. If not you are putting time and energy into a situation that will not support your family or create long term love. Your child may go to a good college however he will not have success in all areas of his life specifically relationships and working with others. A thankless child and a narcissistic child will not be available for their parents if they have not been taught the value of family time, family values, and specifically how to treat and help family members on a regular basis.

Children and adolescent teenagers are using their smartphones and video games and electronics and TVs and iPads on average of 60-70 hours  per week.  This is not healthy and there is great amounts of research to support limiting electronics. No child should have hi or her smart phone is his or her room as well as: tv, iPad, Video games. Research from the American Academy of Pediatrics state this and most experts on children and teens support this fact.

Family time and family communication is vital. Spending time discussing your day and communicating without electronic devices is crucial. Having dinner without phones and TV is needed. Talking in the car with your children without ear buds in and texting is very important. Discussing family activities, chores, events, expectations, values, and how to communicate and treat others is essential.

Teaching your children: respect, teamwork, helping each other, doing things for family, empathy, and compassion must be a priority on your list otherwise your child will believe that it is not important and will continue their disrespect and abuse and unhealthy behaviors for a life time.

Oppositional defiant children possess a strong need to control and to gain power. Most defiant teenagers and children deny responsibility for their misbehaviors and do not see how their behavior impacted the family or other individuals.

The oppositional and defiant child blossom in negativity and family conflicts. These children appear to thrive on anger and aggression and want to win at all costs in arguments. Oppositional defiance is more common in homes with too much structure and also in homes where there is very little structure. Finding a balance in parenting is vital for success with the defiant and oppositional child or teen. Parenting by both parents that is on the same page is important in balancing out the oppositional defiant child and adolescent. A firm and loving environment is important. Parent’s must use their authority as parents and not give into your child’s demands out of fear or to keep your child in your good graces. Your child is not your friend they must be treated as children.

The oppositional child will push your buttons and emotions and in his or her mind once this has happened he or she feels they have now taken over your position of authority.

A few solutions to address your defiant child: walk away from conflict, change the subject of the argument, avoid defending yourself allow your actions to be consistent with your rules and words. If the above does not work let your child know that regardless and nevertheless ; this is how it is going to be in a calm unemotional manner. This will de escalate things and not draw you in to a power struggle.

All rules and consequences must be in writing before conflict arises and must be very clear. You can begin by removing items like: cell phone, smart phone, tv, music, games, skateboard etc. Creating a Behavior modification plan that will work is very important for parents to address these behaviors.

Below is an article on my approach that involves the child or teen as well as the parent in my practice.

Family and Child Counseling, Therapy, Specialist Phoenix Arizona

Your teen on average is spending over 70 hours per week on media. This includes: instagram, snapchat, facebook, texting, video games, Tv, NetFlix, Youtube, the internet, social media and more. Too much screen times creates a lot of problems with teens including and not limited too: mood disorders, anxiety, depression, social skills issues, failing grades, poor family communication problems, chaos and stress at home and at school, poor sleep, and physical health problems.

It is important to make electronics a privilege for your teen and if you do not you may see your child or teen is entitled with power and you have a daily power struggle. Grades and homework are neglected as well as family chores and family communication goes South!

Parents can be great role models by shutting off electronics during the day as well as spending time with family without checking one’s phone or computer.

A Parent can set clear written rules in relation to electronic use. Children for the most part and teens are not mature enough to set their own limits and boundaries with: tv, media, video games, etc. These rules will make your child safe and create health and a foundation for success.

Encouraging your child to exercise is very important for their mental health. Going for a hike, a bike ride, a walk, going to the gym, joining Karate, dance, lifting weights etc. A parent can set this example and take your child and sign them up for these activities.

Discuss the role of advertising and how they are being targeted to buy products by media. Discuss dangers of too much violence and how it can impact mood and sleep and aggression.

Have a time during the day where electronics are turned off . Dinner time is a great time to do so. Spend time playing a board game or cards with your children without media on.

The APA defines Oppositional defiant

Disorder as a recurrent patterns of negativistic, defiant, disobedient, and hostile behavior toward authority figures. A child with ODD may lose their tempers very easily. The child often argues with adults blatantly. Refusing to follow rules, they deliberately annoy and blame others for their own misbehavior. They have a short fuse and gain a reputation for being touchy, easily annoyed or angered. This anger can lead to revenge seeking against others.

If the behavior persists for at least 6 mos., disrupts the family and home or school environments and affects the child’s social and academic life, parents should consider seeking the advise of a child behavior expert.

Blog by David Abrams child therapist,

Counseling, teen therapist, adult therapist, Phoenix Arizona, Paradise Valley Arizona, Scottsdale Arizona, Glendale Arizona.

Sent from David Abrams MAPC, LPC, CAGS

602.575.4030

www.LifeWorksAZ.com

Visit My Blog At http://davidstake.blogspot.com